Acute and Chronic Sexism: The Key to Matrimonial Nirvana

By Dick McCullough

Download This Article

It's politically fashionable to say that men and women are equal. Of course, it's also utter nonsense. You would have to be factually insensitive to the point of coma to believe that men and women are equal. But the pressure to conform is suffocating. So like a cyber-age Paul Revere, I wave my laptop wildly as I gallop through the night, hoping to warn the innocent and unsuspecting before it is too late.

Women don't go bald, they can dance without embarrassing themselves or others, their color vocabulary is greater than four, they don't faint or panic when they see blood, even their own. Men, on the other hand, are almost universally homely, are emotionally traumatized if and only if their favorite team loses, fantasize about fathering children when they are 80 and open, with the flourish and pride of someone who has just cured cancer, little jars of jam.

Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Women also, with very little assistance from men, do what only God does: they create life. How could anyone mistake these two groups as equal?

Once you recognize that your wife/husband/spouse/significant other (have I left anybody out?) is so fundamentally different from you that you cannot hope to understand everything, i.e., anything, he/she does, you can accept all the abuse and inconvenience he/she heaps on you without taking any of it personally. What we are talking about here is detachment! Zen marriage. I may be the Phil Jackson of marriage coaches (but I doubt it).

Coming home from work, to my house, is very, Well, I don't recommend it to anyone who doesn't posses the nerves of an air traffic controller. When I open that front door, I've no idea what, or more precisely who, I will find. I might be greeted by a bright and cheerful Donna Reed. But I might be facing one of those Play Misty For Me/Fatal Attraction types, too. Doesn't seem to be any correlation with events of the day, either. The one constant is that, if it's bad, it's my fault. If it's raining, I should have taken her to the beach last week when she really wanted to go (but, of course, never mentioned). If the car breaks down, I should have known it needed service. If the backyard isn't big enough, I don't make enough money. If our vacation isn't long enough or nice enough, I don't make enough money (this one comes up a lot). If she's really depressed, she goes shopping and spends all that money I don't make.

For a long time, I took this personally. But, after many years and several thousand dollars of marriage counseling, I've finally discovered that it's not me. My now keen and expensively purchased grasp of Jungian, Freudian, behavioral and pharmaceutical psychology have shown me the true path. The explanation, like all fundamental truths, is elegantly simple. She's nuts! And now that I know she acts crazy all the time because she actually is crazy, I can deal with it. It bothered me a lot more when I thought I was screwing up every 30 seconds.

And why is she nuts? Because she is nuts and she is female are synonymous. There is nothing wrong with her that medicine can fix (at least not with the current state of genetic engineering but I hold out hope).

Of course, you must realize that the observation that she is nuts, while completely, absolutely and indisputably true, is purely subjective. That is, it depends entirely on your point of view. Her women friends, for example, think she's wonderful. From where I sit, though, she is loonier than a Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon on mescaline.

On the other hand, my poor wife has to deal with her own set of perplexing data. How can an otherwise intelligent, well-educated (let's not quibble) man vegetate in front of a TV for eight, ten, twelve hours straight without moving (except for the occasional commercial-inspired sprint to the bathroom)? Why does this same middle-aged man freeze instantly catatonic whenever a beautiful woman appears, regardless of the medium (TV, billboard, pedestrian crossing the street, etc.), and regardless of the context (with wife, with mother-in-law, at funerals, etc.)? And why doesn't it phase him in the slightest that the object of his lascivious imagination is often younger than his own children?

For years, she took all this personally. She thought vegging out in front of the TV meant I didn't want to spend time with her. She thought drool dribbling out the corner of my mouth when some hotty strutted by meant I didn't find her (my wife) attractive. Silly girl. Women are so irrational, aren't they? Must be the hormones.

From her point of view, there is only one logical conclusion. He's nuts! And he is nuts because he is male. There is no pathology at work here (unless you consider gender a pathology and, if you do, I won't argue).

Once you understand all this, homosexuality isn't so confusing, either. Lesbians are just women with higher standards. None of the men qualify.

The problem is that only comedians, in this militantly PC society can acknowledge the fundamental differences in men and women without being shot. Ever listen to an HBO comedy special? 90% of the humor is contrasting men and women. People laugh because they relate. People laugh because the jokes are true. But try saying in mixed company, with a straight face, that men and women are fundamentally different, that they are not equal. Pack your bags and welcome to the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Because of the PC police (Shhh. They are everywhere.), people feel obliged to believe (and espouse) the flatulently fallacious notion that their spouses are equal to them, that is, exactly like them. Same baggage, same agenda. What a ridiculous assumption. Who would marry anyone that crazy? Remember Groucho Marx's "I would never join a club that was willing to accept someone like me as a member?" Who would marry someone screwed up the same way he/she is? Not me, I married somebody screwed up in an entirely different way altogether. I married a female.

When one spouse does something stupid, the other projects his/her own values on that action and comes to the wrong conclusion (usually the exactly opposite conclusion). For example, my wife often ignores me when I'm talking to her. I mean really ignores me. Like I wasn't there. I used to take that personally. I would be deeply offended. Why? Because if I did that to her, it would be intentional. I would be making a very insulting comment about my regard for her. Naturally, I assumed that she must be making the same comment to me. Turns out, she ignores everybody! Our kids, the dog, the cat, the TV. She's, at times, a walking zombie. Off in her own Never Never Land. Why? She is female, that's why! She's nuts!

Divorce rates are going up. Fewer people stay married today than did a generation ago. People a generation ago knew men and women were different. They knew they had different strengths, different ways to contribute to the marriage. They had separate, but interdependent, roles and responsibilities. They weren't equal. They were teammates. Well, at least sometimes. I admit, occasionally they just stayed together because everybody else did. 50 or 60 years of misery. But that doesn't support my point so I'm not gonna mention it.

Political correctness is a Nazi in a tuxedo. He may look urbane but he is ruthless if you don't play by his rules. But political correctness requires, by definition, a suspension of independent thinking. And not thinking is not good. So swim against the current of political fashion. Admit the obvious.

My spouse is nuts! And it's ok with me.

MACRO CONSULTING
Intelligent Decisions